“My son learnt an incredible lexicon of swearing that day…”
Golf and the corporate world have always had a special bond. I used to enjoy playing it with my father when I was a young man, but I never had any formal lessons. During my career in Aviation, I had the pleasure of renewing this hobby as many work outings were to golf courses. My first golfing experience in the corporate world was when I was with BCAL in Toulouse, and Airbus invited all their customers to take part in a friendly golfing competition as a day out. We were divided into groups of four, with a professional golf coach giving us tips and pointers before we started. I step up and take some swings, clearly forgetting everything I once knew, as the coach approached me and said, ‘You need to keep your eye on the ball.’ To emphasise his point, he stood in front of me with his hand on my head, forcing me to look down at the ball. This did not help one bit as, on taking my swing, I hit the instructor’s foot with my club. As a result of this and a few other similar incidents throughout the game, I was awarded ‘Most Entertaining Golfer of the Day.’ I accepted it with pride! To this day, it is the only award I have ever received for playing golf!
Toulouse at that time did not have many golf courses. But as I moved to different companies and countries in my career, I would take the opportunity to play a round or two whenever I could and slowly improve. There is still a phenomenon that occurs no matter what golf course I play on. It may affect other golfers out there as well. If there is a lake, pond or any water feature of any kind on the course, my ball will go to it, as if magnetised! My idea of a good round of golf is to finish with the same ball I started with. It did not happen often, but it did happen!
During my time with BA, I was invited to many golfing events in California. The courses here are absolutely stunning, maintained to perfection, with the beautiful California sunshine beaming down on you and the smell of eucalyptus hanging in the air. Drink carts are strategically positioned to serve ice-cold alcoholic and soft drinks. It really is a wonderful place for a game of golf. Speaking of the carts, I found it very amusing and somewhat alarming that the words STOP and GO were embossed into the rubber of each pedal, even though a full driving license was required to operate them!
Some of the golfers I played with were very good, but others were also extremely annoying. They would state the exact spot where their ball was going to go, and sure enough, if they hit it there every single time. I was just happy if my ball went straight or avoided the water features. On one occasion, we were waiting for a group ahead of us to clear the fareway, when my friend told me this joke –
Four golfers are playing golf at Wentworth. Just before they leave the clubhouse, the captain informs them to keep to the left of the first tee, as there are houses on the right whose owners are complaining about golf balls in their gardens. The first two tee off, go to the left, no problem. The third tee’s up, hits his ball, and it goes straight but veers right suddenly and sails into the back garden of one of the houses. He takes a safety shot afterwards, which goes straight. As they walk down to take their second shot, they pass the houses, and the third golfer spies his ball in the garden through a gap in the back fence of the house. He decides to slide through the gap to retrieve it. The guy bends down to pick up his ball when the owner of the house comes running out and shouts, ‘What are you doing, what are you doing?!’
The golfer apologises immediately, “I’m very sorry, sir, I hit my ball into your garden by accident. I just wanted to get it back, and I’ll leave.”
The homeowner responds, ‘Oh no, I know the law – my house, my garden, my ball!’
The golfer replies, “You don’t seem to understand, sir. It’s my ball, it’s my fault it’s in your garden, I’ll just take it and leave. No problem!”
‘No, no, no, no! He says. My house, my garden, my ball!’
By this time, the golfer is getting a little bit annoyed and suggests to the gentleman that they should settle this dispute honourably.
‘Ahhhhh honourably! I like honourably! What do you have in mind?!’
The golfer explains the rules – “We both stand with our legs apart and kick each other between the legs as hard as we can. Whoever recovers quicker wins!”
The homeowner agrees, ‘Okey dokey, I’ll go first!’
To which the golfer replies, “No, no, no, I committed the offence, I go first!”
The homeowner, an honourable man, nods and stands with his legs apart. He gives a hard nod, signalling his readiness. The golfer nods in response, takes a run up and kicks him as hard as he can in the nuts.
The man drops like a ton of bricks and rolls about in agony for five and a half minutes, before very slowly getting up and saying, ‘Okay,’ He says in between groans, ‘my turn.’
To which the golfer goes, “Na, fuck it, keep the ball!”
My friend told me this joke just before I took my shot, acting it out with voices and everything. It was so funny that I completely messed up my shot. That may have been his intention all along, but I really didnt mind!
Even though I won an award for most entertaining golfer of the day way back in 1987, the most entertaining game of golf that I have ever experienced was with my father and my son. During a visit to Scotland, we went to see my father in Forres. On a rare boys’ day, he suggested a game of golf at a local course. We drove out to the Covesea Links golf course, which is exactly as described, as it is situated on a cove overlooking the North Sea. Needless tosay, it was extremely windy, which only added to our amusement! My son wasnt into golf but was happy to caddy. That day, my father would have won the award, as what he lacked in skill he made up for in hilarious outbursts. The wind took his first ball, and pretty much every one after it! And the only thing that outnumbered the amount of divots in the ground were the numerous piles of shit, from the vast amount of free-ranging sheep. My son learnt an incredible lexicon of swearing that day. Some I had heard many times, and some were brand new to me. The highlight was ‘keech bum and tolly fart!’ To this day, the translation is lost on me, but it was said with such conviction that we fully understood the depth of his frustration. Some of his spectacularly awful shots were the fault of the Royal Air Force, where, due to the proximity of the course to Lossiemouth and Kinloss Airbases, we received several fly-bys of Hurricane fighters and Nimrod reconnaissance planes. My son absolutely loved this, but I did feel for my father when he lined up a shot, deep in concentration and was about to take a swing when a Nimrod roared over the horizon out of nowhere. The noise was deafening and startled my father at the critical moment, which sent his ball into the sea. “Yewwwww BASTAD!” He roared at the pilot and crew. I’m pretty sure my son nearly died of laughter at this point, and I myself was bent double at the sight of my father shaking his fist and club at the enormous aircraft. Even he saw the funny side at this point! I’m pretty sure we were the only ones on the course for the entire day, except for the groundsman sheltering from the extreme wind in his tiny shed. Hands down the funniest game of golf I have ever had, and a great day with my son and father. My mother-in-law was less than impressed with the collection of new, colourful phrases my son picked up and dispensed far too regularly after that memorable game!
The reason for this story is to highlight the need to enjoy yourself, a lesson I have often had to remind myself of during the busiest times in my career. I have been fortunate to have loved my job since I started as a fitter at 18. I fully appreciate that not many can say the same. A career you enjoy can eat up a lot of your time, especially in the aviation or corporate world. That goes double for a job or role you can’t stand. So, when you do get the chance to enjoy yourself, do it with every fibre of your being and especially in good company, such as family and friends.
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